As we continue our series on infertility and IVF here is what happens to the guys. Sure we girls go through a lot – but this one at least gave us a good laugh.
The Man Exam
One of the more disturbing, but entertaining events while dealing with your infertility, finally includes the man, your husband or significant other. (Note: many fertility clinics with not do fertility treatments or in vitro fertilization unless you are married – but I digress.) After all the exams, blood tests, urine specimens, doctor’s appointment and interviews which mostly involved me, my husband was “under the gun,” meaning it was time for the dreaded sperm sample visit. The visit to the clinic that is joked about on many television and movies shows, and strikes fear into the heart of many a red blooded American male, who wonders, “Can I perform under pressure?” “How long is too long?” Or how short a time in here is too short?” “Do they have cameras?” “Are they watching?” And how much is too much or not enough of a sperm sample?
When that day arrived, my husband and I walked in, signed in and waited. A few minutes later a technician takes us to THE room, hands him a specimen cup and lid and provides him with information on how to best collect his sample, how much should be in there and how to clearly label it -just to make sure there are no mistakes, (laugh laugh). I think it was supposed to be comic relief. When asked, did I want to join him in the room he answers for me – “She better!”
Both of us being the curious sort, we had to at least check things out a little bit. And trust me it’s not much like you see in the movies. A small exam room – and you know it’s an exam room. Plain walls, a love seat and cushioned chair. A television and DVD player are on a wheeled cart, all the better to view the porn with my dear. Four built-in shelves line the one wall and on them are porn magazines and DVDs. Now, you can’t put a curious, newly married couple in a room with porn and not expect them to check out the titles, which of course caused a giggle or two. I pick up a magazine, hold it up and ask, do you think this will do the trick? He says, “I don’t know, let me get a better look?”
Obligingly, I flip open the magazine and quickly flip through the pages, to find that several pages were STUCK together! Not even thinking of what we are doing here or why, “I wonder what happened to these pages honey, they are stuck together!” I admit. He looks at me in disbelief – “What do you think they are stuck together with?”
Magazine drops to the floor, with shock and disbelief I look straight at him as the realization dawns on me. Blushing and horrified I rush to the sink to wash my hands, several times. Then coat them with antibacterial lotion, and then wash them again.
My husband being the patient sort is now looking at the clock, wondering if maybe we out to “get to it” after all they ARE probably timing us. Being a good sort, he rose to the occasion and got the job done. Of course, just for good measure we waited a few more minutes before we left the room.
See, wasn’t that easy? But the most important thing of all is to learn to not touch anything in the doctor’s office!